he is very persistent. Hes my best friend, the love of my life, an amazing Dad, my confidant and my everything. No way not ever. Your story is very very simular to mine. we always believe that we are being judged . Accept her no lovingly, masturbate, and initiate again another day. I always talk to her and ask what turns her on. Around year 3 it was 1x week and that lasted another 5 when it became about 1x a week. I always ask if Im doing the right things and she says yes. A lot of my friends say their husbands are like that, too. See the New York Times story, Does a More Equal Marriage Equal Less Sex?. If they need get that only from you, so be it. At age 69, were certainly way beyond the procreation stage. And one factor is being a caregiver. A marriage I have no interest in ending, ever. The one thing she always wants when she touches me is that I come on her tits.which I love. Kelly Gonsalves is a sex educator, relationship coach, and journalist. If physical intimacy is missing and one partner is complaining about it, you know theres something going on. I think my wife [67] realises that with my having ED she no longer has any potential competition so isnt obliged to have sex because I wont be strayingand I dont want her to feel obliged,thats as bad as no sex,so the answer, literally, is in my own hands, my husband has done too many drugs and cant get it up its been six years i need sex. What to do about it: If you've talked about all the other reasons on this list and mutually feel great about your relationship (talk to her about thisdon't assume! Ive tried everything I can think of but Ive given up. It is more like a revenge. I have been married for almost 30 years and except for 3 wonderful children our sex life has been hit and miss. I was looking forward to my sexual freedom and massive quantities of sex and orgasms. After my wife lost interest, I told her that we either opened our marriage or divorced. Oh my goodness you sound so defeated. Maybe, she knows of your infidelity, but hasnt spoken about it? If you guys love your wives and wanna stay till death and your having problems with containment, I lost all desire because I have no testosterone so its been a God send to me. I understand that some people accept this type of relationship and just crave a good friend and companion for the rest of their life. For everything there is a season. LoL. The man must rule by demanding to get what he wants. In such a case, it could be the reason why your wife avoids intimacy. It may be helpful for her to speak with her doctor about her struggles with libido, if relevant, to see if an adjustment in her treatment plan may help. for signs she is interested in someone else. Im over 60 and Im learning to accept this is the way life is going to be for the rest of my life. "As we age, the vaginal lining becomes thinner, less elastic, and produces less moisture. I have tried individual therapy and that was to no avail. So Im frustrated as hell, but I love her and wont cheat on her no matter what. I tried internet sex and while interesting it is not enough. Ive been married to my husband for 35 + years to an indifferent withholder for the entire marriage. But, do not sell yourself. Neither partner should have to feel obligated to satisfy the other out of some outmoded quasi religious relief or instruction, my wife is wonderful in many ways but now has reached, she believes, a stage[67] where she has no desire, except release masturbation , thats my misfortune but I try to understand. I have respected all she has asked and continue to do all I can to let her know I love and adore her. Some persons who are older like us end up this way. Thats it, you said it thats what the woman loves. It's possible that you and your wife simply have different needs when it comes to sex. I am a 58 year old woman. . He doesnt even like to kiss. He is 69 (as am I) and weve been married 39 years and for him sex is a thing of the long past! Wake up. Good luck to you all and hope the juices start flowing soon for those that feel deprived. Suggest to her that she will have control of the situation. Nothing arouses it. My wife and I are celebrating 48 years together in January. Nerves responsible for pleasure become less prominent and less sensitive. You ever think about getting some on the side? Thanks for your candid note. That partner depriving you of that intimacy does not give a damn what you do just as long as you do not bother them about it or it interferes with their favorite TV show! My wife of 35 years and I have always had difficulty sexually. If your wife thinks she may have vaginal atrophy, I hope shell see a knowledgeable doctor or pelvic floor therapist to get a diagnosis and treatment plan that can alleviate her discomfort. I would like to ask her if well ever have a sex life again, but she has a hard time talking about it. I *must* woo my wife, always. Not!! You need to leave her. While men often connect to their wives through physical intimacy, a wife needs a mix of physical arousal and emotional intimacy to feel connected to her partner. My spouse of 40 years has no lnterest ln sex ,he does not touch me exsept when on the couch he puts his leg over mine and hugs me before we go to bed as l have scoliosis and need to sleep ln a diff bed we go to places together and we get along he says lt is his prostate which the Dr confirmed but l feel lf he really wanted to he could he says after an o lt bothers him ,l love him,but feel he ls angry at me for stupid mistakes l made in the past not cheating but as cracked up our car ,l just want to feel loved,he bought me flowers for mothers day but l bitched as. We went to separate colleges and this was before cell phones and computers. Yeah Andrew me too. You need to talk to her and get to the root of whats causing her panic and anxiety whenever she gets close to you; when she feels comfortable and that whatever major issue there is, gets resolved, maybe your sex life will return. If so, it could be that the side effects of her depression, or even the medication she is on to treat it, are lowering her libido. I will do what makes me happy because obviously no one else will. Men dont want to force their wives into sex, nor do they want to beg for it. . They can go months and years without sex and then the menopause hits and then theyre completely done. I think Im in love and theres no turning back. We tried and tried to get them to call us but their mother has convinced them that I am to blame for our sons death. If you build sex up to be a giant deal, youre putting pressure on both you and your wife. Wednesday, August 30, 2017 Engage in thought-provoking discussions, make new friends, and share resources all on a safe and ad-free platform. Men empathize with women in a way that women do not with men; men *want* to make decisions that benefit women, individually and as a group (the Women are Wonderful effect, which both men and women exhibit). I cant believe I will be in this misery for the remainder of my life and I am only 55. . Dont you dare accuse all men of being selfish and unhelpful. No sex for about 20 years. My wife and I had a beautiful sex life until she started to have complex female problems that resulted in a partial histerectomy and even after the procedure she finds sex very painful. In other cases, when the in-laws are constantly meddling the resentment may make it seem like you have an unloving wife but shes actually just frustrated at the lack of privacy, says Gopa. Due to bi-polar, I have had a strong sex drive since I can remember. She likely doesn't want you to touch her bc whenever you do it leads to an implied intimacy interaction she doesn't want. In some cases, this can escalate intopostpartum depression, which is a common reason why many women experience a lack of sexual desire after childbirth. I am really starting to think that sex was not made for pleasure, but for reproduction and when the reproductive years end for a woman, so does her desire for sex diminishes or ends and men that still have a desire, suffer in silence or become broke from a divorce and visiting prostitutes. Be explicit about your needs and expectations. We have been together since the 80s and there is No ONE else I want to be with. So my question to the men here. My wife and my sex life was pretty damn good before she developed breast cancer and had a double mastectomy, even though she went through early menopause (in her 40s). Most importantly, talk to her about it! I brought this up in premarital counseling. Anyway, I think when one person in a marriage comes to the point my husband is at and apparently yours is too a therapist is really the only answer. Are there any people at all who have actually solved this any other way apart from no more proper sex or divorce? Basically though, he refuses to talk about this issue with me or anyone else, namely a doctor/therapist, and claims he likes our life the way it is. But to then take into account the Catholic Churchs stance on that interjects another sticking point, if I may use that term. She claims to always be tired anyway. Im 63, sexless for many years, and your essay really hit home. I have what may be slight ED..but offered to stimulate and play at sex often..there are some really fun marital Youre guessing that your wife might have vaginal atrophy, but you dont know. So the time has come to find a willing older gal and have an affair and feel alive and like a man again I feel like Ive been through hell. Ive lived through a sexless marriage myself. Your wife may not know how to put up her mom hat for the day and refocus on herself, which includes enjoying every aspect of her marriage. You have made a commitment to one another to do more than go through the daily grind or process of pretending to have a mutual satisfying relationship when in fact, you are simply roommates! Cheating is easy and you deserve it . Would you like to see more questions and answers? I do not wish this upon anyone!!! It has worked for me and I highly recommend it as an alternative to just giving up. About 5 years ago (we've been married 29) she started not wanting me to touch her breasts as much and over time stopped letting me touch them altogether. she says when she and I are close she gets panic attacks and anxiety attacks. Wrong! I started seeing sex workers. A dip in intimacy can be brought on by several factors new responsibilities, changing priorities, biological and physiological changes. Tall. Is it honestly your right to be given sex however your wife can give it? In fact, I recently read that most sexless marriages are due to lack of desire in the men. yeah, in the case of some women, there may be some other things going on w/ the bodywho knows. Why would anyone want to have sex with your pessimistic, crotchety, excuse-ridden ass? My wife weight has ballooned once the kids were born (25 years ago) And she has never wanted to lose it but just accept it. Ive tried vacations, dates, sex toys, lubricants, vitamins, blah blah blah..when a gal is not sexually attracted to you and is generally more than willing to never have sex again cuz (insert the reason I dont understand here) shes not going to change at 70. She understands that its hard for me, but we both dont know what to do about the situation. Amen. Work and motherhood can be overwhelming, so instead of asking her for sex at the end of the day when youre both exhausted, start planning for it. Anything less is slow sewer side. Yes, totally wrong. Honey I can assure you 100% hes not doing without sex hes at the prime age to have sex I couldnt tell you why he didnt wanna have sex with you but Im going through the same thing with my wife. My shower massagers has gotten me through years but it never will replace that hard feeling down inside me that I long for, yet believe now I will never feel again and Im only in my 50s. I havent yet but I am going to find sex outside my home. Most importantly, a couple agrees that their marriage is built on a foundation of love and respect. We still talk, but thats it. Wish she would just say so. Be patient with her as she works on herself, and the two of you refocus on your marriage. Perhaps, some counseling might even help. And yes thank goodness for self stimulation but what I wouldnt give for a womans touch!!! My wife and I hadnt had sex for more than a year. How I wish the girls would ask ME to dance at school dances. Maybe your wife isn't initiating sex, or she seems to be actively avoiding it. This kind of if the man would only be more __ advice saturates the internet and its usually written by people with degrees instead of wisdom. She displays no interest at all and hasnt for years. I love you, but I am not happy this way. If Im doing the very best I can and feeling pretty good about things, ITS NEVER ENOUGH. Monica..give her satisfaction .. that is exactly what I would love to do for my wife of 30 years. No amount of therapy, joint or individual, will fix this issue. Will: I was very disturbed to read your post. I can easily live without sex, but I cannot live without love. First woman with the same situation!! To see my wife go direct to the Phone on the first morning home and second morning home was very upsetting. So no, this was not the place to blow your horn. Now I definitely feel more like the odd woman out after reading all those men complaining about lack of sex!I am 45 had a hysterectomy 3 years ago, so menopause was forced on me.I still feel like a horny B*** latina! I told him we could stay married/faithful to each other without any type of sex/sexual contact. I sure want too. Laura. But unfortunately I do feel that it is my fault I just wish I knew what and that I could make it better. Your husband, not even talking to you must be so hard on your self esteem. He got the pill from the dr, but with his weight and age, I was just too scared for him to try it. Some get away with a happy one. 19. 20yrs old. I cant imagine a marriage/partnership where that wasnt the case. Without the energy of wooing, the fear of missing out if we do not woo, we fall into complacency and boredom. Weve been married for 27 years and have 3 adult children. Turns out childhood trauma caused me to have an attachment disorder which in turn caused subconscious intimacy anxiety which would then cause me to suffer from severe sexual dysfunctions which turned out to be unfixable. Weve been married almost 40 years and neither of us had any sex partners before we met. var d = document, s = d.createElement('script'); Sex is over. 17) She doesn't try to make you feel better anymore. One of you simply wants sex more often than the other does. Pretty graphic stuff. State your case, either put out or leave me get some on the side, because you dont care. This went on for years. Does your wife struggle with self-love? Hello Overit, My husband had 19 affairs. He already said she feels bad for him so she is aware of the problem. Also, I have experienced ageism in the job market. I was faithful to my beautiful redhead for 27 yrs, and I never got tired of making love to her. I am retired on social security, having spent my entire returment funds on an expensive divorce and a protracted hospital stay and heart and brain surgeries. Maybe you are the only one getting pleased and thats not fun. She always had 2 orgasms before me. So when your wife seems to frequently push you away and demonstrates through her words or actions that she has no interest in making love with you, this behavior is usually caused by a one or more triggering events. That leaves us with so many perverts running around today inept at forming a real relationship, fantasy is in sadly. Now its gotten where I cant get hard when Im with her, Im sure its mental causes. If your wife seems distant, take a step back to analyze where you may have gone wrong or why you feel like she cannot trust you again. If your sex life is devoid of experimenting with new sexual positions, role play, dressing up, creating a sensual ambiance, theres a chance that the same sexual routine has become boring and tiresome for your wife and she has started avoiding all physical contact. Some are related to the pressures and demands of family life. He just isnt interested and blames it on his diabetes. Weve been in counseling for a year. I watch the couples in my family and I saw the future. Figures, right? Do they shrink with age? Thomas, I agree! all about love and couple relationships in their varied forms. Welcome to, IMO, male divine right. Its all a crock. Women fall in love with their husbands have kids and having kids taking care of the kids 99.99% and working full time or taking some class to better your job. Although he acts like he doesnt notice and maybe he dont. What steps can I take to help my wife get in the mood? So not. Spend the same time you are researching and pursuing prostitutesworking out and looking healthier and bettering your relationship. "Not everyone needs emotional connection for sex to be great, but in long-term relationships, the lack of connection can be a huge factor in a person's desire to have sex with their partner," psychologist Margaret Paul, Ph.D., writes at mbg. She reached about 58 and went through late menopause which brought on vaginal dryness, solved with a doctor recommended lubricant. In the end, she doesnt want it and I have stopped caring. Which now seems gone forever. I feel I am too old to move on by myself, most everything in our relationship is good, but sex is very bad. I have the same problem and there isnt a answer. Masturbation in the case of a marriage where one party is no longer interested in having sex and actively resists any overtures along those lines would seem to be the logical course of action. She told me, a man should never get jealous of his wife f ing other men. The precursor for any affair is emotional intimacy, says Gopa. In fact, I dont even feel were friends at this point, as we rarely speak to one another (unless I initiate a conversation) and whenever I try and initiate any affection or even merely suggest sex, he bristles, becomes hostile and defensive and thats that. However this does not mean that sex should just cease and its quite difficult for one party in a marriage or long term relationship to just do without something like this because the other party has lost interest (or is depressed), or whatever. She like others doesnt want intimacy or sex, which I could deal with for the most part but then she makes remarks about me masturbating or watching porn. For example, nonsexual touching, which includes kissing, cuddling, and hand-holding, can make people feel . When was the last time you went out on a date together? Have sexual experiences together that don't revolve around intercourse. I see my friend for an outing about 2X/month. What do you think a man can do and should do in these cases ??? No love no sex. She may begin to stop seeing herself as a sexual being as she assumes the role of mother, a role that society often strongly desexualizes. I have a consulting business in devlopment now, because Social Security isnt enough to save money. Even without your wife, seeing a therapist will help you learn how to communicate with her, and give you new ways of looking at your marriage and strategies for coping.